17 months of insomnia
by SparrowOnTheHorizon
Summary: "I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia." Ichigo centric, 17 months time skip.


_I_ _only_ _sleep_ _with_ _people_ _I_ _love_

 **10:09 pm**

Usually, he'd be asleep before 9:30 pm on an uneventful night, even if he wasn't particularly tired.

The mattress was plush, the pillows were fluffed, sheets and comforter laundered to his liking. So why wasn't it comfortable anymore?

 **10:59 pm**

There was a test in the morning, so he really needed the rest. There was a lot he had to catch up on if he didn't want to be held back a grade, although he wondered what exactly all of this would lead up to. Where was his future going now?

 **11:13 pm**

Sometimes it was easy just closing his eyes and he'd be carried off to dreamland in no time. He would let his thoughts completely consume him, pulling him down into another world where he could hide in the waves of tall grass and bathe in the sun rays. In the vast planes of his dreams, it was only himself, no pain, no fear. Just him, and sometimes the far off sound of a familiar feminine laughter that he could never quite locate the source of, nor did he want to. He was content with this other presence in his inner sanctuary.

Never seeing, only hearing.

Now he was a little afraid to enter that sanctuary. He was afraid of that missing presence.

 **11:22 pm**

The dull glow of his cell phone screen barely illuminated his features in the inky darkness. His camera roll was littered with images he never recalled taking. Hell, he barely used this thing for anything but calls and a few texts. He took an occasional picture with friends and family or even beautiful art, but where the hell did 284 pictures come from?

Some of them were blurred, if he couldn't make it out he'd delete it, and some just puzzled the hell out of him. There were pictures of some of the most common household items and basic inventions. There were even different types of the same object. Different colored bicycles, various house structures, mannequins from shop windows displaying all sorts of clothing. He blushed after seeing a few with lingerie and quickly deleted those. If anyone got their hands on his phone, he didn't want to have to explain those.

There was an unsurprising amount of Chappy the rabbit pictures. Some up close of dolls, displays and advertisements behind windows, and a few clearly taken on the futon inside his closet. There was even one of a flyer for a special event being held at the shopping center in a week.

Well, at least he knew who the culprit of his camera roll fiasco was.

 **12:00 am**

A calloused finger hovered over the buttons of the dial pad while weary eyes, reflecting mental exhaustion, drifted back and forth between DELETE and CANCEL.

 **12:01 am**

contact deleted

There was really no reason to have it saved anyway. He'd ever be able to use it again. Besides, it had been engraved into his memory long ago.

 **12:02 am**

"…Just in case."

create new contact

 **12:43 am**

The moon wasn't out tonight or even the night before. He could usually see it so clear from his window when he lay in bed. Knowing it was there, always shining and guiding souls of the night, was a comfort. Now, it was like the world had become engulfed in a never ending blanket of pure emptiness. He only prayed someone was guiding the lost towards heaven, praying it was her.

The moon is a loyal companion. It never leaves. It's always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments. The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk to, but she, the moon, his moon, was nowhere to be found.

Would she still listen?

 **1:37 am**

"She smelled like peppermint sometimes. Not like a fresh out the shower kind of smell. It was always with her." He wondered how it always so strong. He'd never seen her spray perfume or wear scented lotions. "Now it's just…gone." Not even the closet smelled like her anymore.

"Her drawings sucked ass. Wonder how she always put up with me insulting them all the time. Then again, beating me up was probably how." An unintended chuckle followed but quickly ended with a frown, the memories coming up too quickly.

 **2:47 am**

With the delicacy of one defusing a bomb, he slid the closet door open a crack. Peeping inside, he momentarily felt like a small child checking for monsters. Realizing how ridiculous he was being, he pushed the door aside completely.

In the dark, he could see the white futon and comforter, briefly noticing the pink Chappy pattern. A little shelf above, holding various little objects he couldn't make out. He reached inside to flip the little lamp on, only to wish he hadn't when the light revealed the wall inside.

A single picture hung above the shelf. A picture of his family, with the addition of a little shinigami in the middle, standing right bellow himself. A girl who the twins called "sister" and his father called "daughter".

Slam!

If he woke anyone up, he didn't care. He didn't even bother turning off the lamp.

 **3:25 am**

"Just stop…please."

How pathetic he imagined the site of him to be. Down on his knees before the door of his her closet, begging an entity that was no longer there to let him be. To just let him go already. God knows he can't cut the ties himself.

He couldn't do this and there was no telling the lengths he would go to end it all himself. Was this what deep depression felt like?

Worthless, powerless, lonely.

Tired. So tired.

 **6:00 am**

The shrill alarm cut through the quiet morning, blaring on for a minute before silencing itself, ignored by its owner.

Said owner sat propped against the closet door, gaze fixated on the rising sun over the city in the distance. Chocolate hues were glazed, eyelids heavy and screaming for rest.

This was no longer his sanctuary. Now, it was just a constant reminder of her. It wasn't his bedroom, it hadn't been only his for a long time, but rather a haunted little box that would suffocate him for sadistic pleasure come nightfall.

 _which is why I have insomnia_

 _Just a little IchiRuki (Ichigo centric) angst for the 17 month time skip. I always loved playing with the 17 month time skip and how Ichigo must have felt without Rukia in his life anymore. I imagined the first nights were uncomfortable to him because he knew something was missing._

 _"I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia." - Emilie Autumn_


End file.
